Bonjour and howdy! This is PhantomStrider. It’s time to check out the lousiest, most second-rate, shoddy cartoons to ever come out of the fine country of France. The French have actually produced some timeless cartoon icons, like Asterix or Tintin. But at the same time, they have made some (?) cartoons. So let’s check out the top five worst French cartoons. And as always, if you do like these cartoons, that’s fine and you guys can find these cartoons on cartoon crazy, so just watch and decide yourself. It’s just my usual silly personal opinion. I mean, what do I know? Anyway, let’s do this countdown!
Number 5: Ohh, so THIS is the culprits behind this hideous abomination! The horrible, plastic, terrible CG! The un-funny groaner dialogue! While Jim Davis had some creative direction in all the original cartoons, hell, he MADE some of them, this… CG cartoon nine-car pileup is just a big middle finger to Jim Davis! The CG looks… beyond plastic. Garfield’s face looks so glitchy, clay-like, and malformed that it’d be more convincing if they just gave us Lego Garfield! The Garfield Show is overly-surreal, it’s pug-fugly, it’s annoying, no one acts in-character, this is among the ugliest defacing of comic icons I’ve ever seen in a cartoon! Honte, French! Home! And for
Number #4: Blargh! In English, it’s called “Space Goofs.” Think Looney Toons, if they got drunk, let themselves go, and then dunked their heads in the local garbage dump. The first thing that may jump out at you about this cartoon is that the characters look like broken stick figures painted by Picasso’s blind 90-year-old brother. I mean, just look at this — big-lipped, fish-flaps monstrosity! Our five extra-terrestrial heroes spend most of the episodes squatting in a house they found, eating, screaming out badly-translated lines, or watching TV. Maybe Les ZinZins… Space whatever is an acquired taste in France. Maybe I just can’t understand the humor.
I’ve heard its surreal humor is actually a hit there. But to me, Les ZinZins… bleh, was a horrible mixture of Secret Mountains Fort Awesome combined with rancid French cheese. And the third-worst French cartoon is: -which roughly translates to “Nursery Rhymes.” Like all mindlessly vapid children’s cartoons, it gives the child no credit for intelligence beyond that of a cheese stick, this has a viewership of 8 million. And who can blame them? With STELLAR animation like this: WOAH! Move over Miyazaki! Who cares about that Spirited Away stuff when you’ve got STELLAR animation like THIS: Blow me away! No wonder it’s so many views! I’d swear I was looking at a crocodile marching through the vast Arabian desert! It looks like it was slapped together in Microsoft Paint over the process of six minutes.
And even THAT’S debatable! This jagged, ugly, over-simplistic horrible-looking, bland cartoon collection is all the pandering, overly-stupid clichés I DESPISE in children’s cartoons! But… apparently I’m the minority! Because 54 million views of this jaggedy, badly-voiced crocodile don’t lie! We really are living in a bizarre world now. And the second-worst French cartoon is: You can’t really expect a lot from creators who base their cartoon off a hideous, disease-spreading, nauseating nuances of civilization. And even if you are in that 0.1% of the population that CAN find a cartoon about cockroaches watchable, the comedy is still astoundingly un-funny and aggravating to watch.
I don’t laugh when I see a cockroach! I wanna get the insect spray and wipe out the entire miserable population of the things! Even the intro is more like a ballad of screaming cats with its continual belching into the microphone than an actual standard intro. If you took Tom & Jerry and mangled the cartoon into an unidentifiable paste of ugly colors, insects, un-funny jokes, and screeching cats, well… Oggy and the Cockroaches would probably still be worse. This was a concentrated effort by the French to make their characters as annoying as humanly possible. And the #1 worst French cartoon is: Aha! So we found one of the culprits behind one of the worst modern cartoons. I should have known only France could come up with such a zombie-like, broken, disjointed hybrid of anime and bad Flash animation. Canada even helped with this one.
Just to make sure the cartoon was as abysmal as humanly conceivable. When it’s not flaunting its lazy, I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-anime cartoon animation, the characters are belching out their lines with all the conviction of the dead. Bad animation, cliché dialogue, clichéd story, terrible script, every single part of My Life Me is designed to be unoriginal and annoying! There’s a reason it made my top 10 worst modern cartoons list. No effort went into this cartoon! This is one embarrassing moment in French history that needs to be buried. Then burned with fire. But honestly, like British cartoons, it was actually really tough to find some cartoons that were bad enough to make this list. There was a sense of fluency, beauty, and depth that really set the good French cartoons apart. France is an artistic, creative, beautiful culture and many of its cartoons turned out to be just as gorgeous. Do you think I missed a particularly bad French cartoon? If you think so, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, thanks for watching! And I’ll see you next time.
